Five Feet Zero

self indulgent and short.

Saturday, August 26, 2006

The Weekend Blues

I've been battling for a while in my head whether I should allow this blog to become all emotional and angst-y, despite the fact that I've already made it public to several people I know. There's a huge desire to purge all this nonsense in my head - there's something so gratifying in knowing that I can just talk and talk and people will (perhaps, maybe) listen. Yet, it's not-so-fun when the post goes up and you know the random acquaintance you might have told about your blog could be reading it. Oh what the hell..
So my ex-boyfriend is in town, and this isn't just any ex-boyfriend, this is the i-was-so-in-love-that-i-couldn't-see-beyond-him type ex-boyfriend. The kind that you never imagined your life without, and the kind that you've been with for as long as you've had any semblance of personality. The kind that you grew up with, the kind that you first had sex with, and did all sorts of other 'firsts' with. The kind you wanted to marry.
Anyway, he's in town and I know it's over and that if I were to see him objectively I'd see that he's a only a child who just can't seem to grow up. But oh, it hurts. It hurts to sit next to him in his car (his car, cars have a remarkable significance in relationships) and to do nothing. To not be able to hold his hand or exchange secret glances, or feel that funny, warm feeling that comes with knowing you're being loved at that very minute.
And I'm trying so very hard to be all friendly and chummy. I never know what he's feeling and so I don't want to be the cranky, weepy one, despite being exactly that throughout the relationship. I want to show him that I've grown up - That I'm 23 now and I'm into meditation and spirituality and I'm not emotionally high-strung anymore. But of course, being me, I go off the deep end and become bitchy and weird and make so-not-funny jokes about his various liaisons, and quip about him getting some oriental ass. It obviously doesn't work and I've come off looking desperately idiotic.
Now I'm at home at 3:30 am, rueing the state of my life and existence. It doesn't look like I'll ever get into a relationship again, and I have a moustache.
Btw, if anyone I know is reading this, including the above mentioned ex-boyfriend, please don't say anything to me in real life.

3 Comments:

  • At 4:49 AM, Blogger Egghead said…

    Pray tell me why should the forementioned ex (whose name I happen to share) be reading this at all?

    He certainly shouldn't be.

     
  • At 12:21 PM, Blogger fivefeetzero said…

    Because I, in hindsight quite retardedly, told him about the existence of this blog. So were he ever to be bored at work and read my blog, I daresay he won't be very happy.

     
  • At 3:35 PM, Blogger ~*sim*~ said…

    i'm on post #3 (or is it 4?) and i'm mega-uber-entertained! you are a smart, funny, and expressive writer. wish you hadn't stopped blogging. tragic.

     

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