Five Feet Zero

self indulgent and short.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

My famous last words aka I'm addicted to this stupid website even though I should be working

Your Famous Last Words Will Be:
"Goodbye. I am leaving because I am bored."
What Will Your Famous Last Words Be?
Your Sexy Brazilian Name is:
Luíza Cabral

Sunday, December 10, 2006

I walk the line..

I don’t want to hurt them and yet I find myself hating them. Why do I feel so disconnected from them? I thought things would be better once I’d gotten over all the rebellion, and in a way they are – infinitely better actually. But I still feel misunderstood and bullied, like I've gotten the short end of the stick. I feel mis-trusted, angry, sad, and worst of all - disconnected.
And I know they care, and they’d hate that I feel like this, but honestly I don’t know how to make it better. I feel like they know I take things seriously, that I’m more sensitive than K, that it’s easy to emotionally blackmail me, and without realizing it, they use it to their advantage. They know I’ll listen, and for some reason that seems to have worked against me. And you know what the worst bit is? That I still want to be a good daughter. I wish I could just fuck it all, and do exactly what I want. I wish I stopped trying to walk the line between making both of us happy. M, where are you when I need you?

Oh look! Another update..and this only after two weeks!

Hello hello. It's nice to see you again too. Bet you're surprised - thought this blog had died, huh? Decided I'm no quitter so I'm back, and of course, I felt the incredible urge to write.
First things first - I quit my job! Finally found the courage to do the what was long overdue. Once I sever all ties with the current place of employment, I will tell all. But until then, I must maintain professionalism and discretion. But I think I deserve a pat on the back for my unwavering courage while telling her I was leaving.
Other good thing of the week: hung out with M, after more than two months of his self-imposed exile from me. While it was really good (we didn't talk about the obvious issue), I don't want to get too excited because it's probable that he'll go back into hibernation. Still, hanging out with him imbued me with me much sadness. Not even quite sure why - maybe it was knowing that things will never be the same again, maybe it was that I couldn't reach over and give him a hug when we'd had 'a moment', maybe it was not being able to tell him any of the things that were on my mind, because I was constantly worried about him just upping and leaving.
All of this weekend I've been craving another city - London or New York, maybe even LA. The weather here has suddenly stopped suiting me, and the pollution is slowly killing me. I can't handle the emptiness, the regressiveness, the I-exist-only-as-my-boyfriend's-trophy attitude, the lack of individuality, the work ethic where sucking-up and seniority matters more than intelligence. And oh, how I miss having my own space - being able to tumble out of bed, into the bathroom, getting dressed and eating breakfast without having to talk to a soul.
Sigh, can't quite understand the sudden melancholy that seems to have settled over me. I suppose if it continues, you'll be hearing a lot more from me.