Five Feet Zero

self indulgent and short.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Wee hours of the morning rant

Who the fuck am I? what do I want? How did I get here? I used to know who I was, and where I wanted to be. I had priorities. Why don’t I have them anymore? Why does nothing seem worth it anymore? And I don’t mean this in an I’m-suicidal-and-I-want-to-kill-myself kind of way. I’m actually quite enjoying life- I’ve ended up meeting new people, and I love the company of most of my old friends. I like reacquainting myself with Mumbai, and like observing the way it’s changing. Once I get a new job, I know I’ll also be more stimulated, but that’s all superficial. I don’t know what I’m living for anymore. I used to live for my ideals, and I also (as much as I hate to say this) used to live for my relationship with the Ex-Boyfriend. But both of those (even if I were in a relationship) seem pointless right now. So now what? And where? And who? Who would be crazy enough to understand the nonsense in my head? When did life stop being simple? Why don’t I want what everyone around me wants? Why am I not happy with the idea of a husband and two kids? And you know what the worst part is? That I don’t have an alternative to the husband-and-two-kids scenario. I don’t see myself being satisfied with a great job as the editor of a Sunday newspaper either. Fuck. I scare me.

8 Comments:

  • At 3:33 PM, Blogger Zaphod said…

    Hmm, been a the same stage you seem to be at....you know, I've seen mid-life crises on TV where the guy in the bad sports coat and Burt Reynolds moustache gets a red Corvette and blonde to match, but no one has ever told me if there is a mid 20's crises....not that i am there yet...still 2 years to reach that 'mid' stage

     
  • At 3:50 PM, Blogger Zaphod said…

    hmm, more to say on this post but just read your blog, so how come hopping around? (kind of like me who in the past two years have been in New York, London, New Delhi and one more small town where I went to school in the US)

    also, not much of a continuing comments person so can be reached at cityoflaughterandforgetting@hotmail.com

     
  • At 12:16 AM, Blogger Nicole said…

    I think the term is a "quarter-life" crisis...

    And yeah, dude, I know what you mean. But there is something between the married life and the career life -- I'm not really sure what it is, but that's what I'm aiming for...

     
  • At 3:33 PM, Blogger Nirav Shah said…

    Hi miss...

    At 27 I still have not found my calling... but I am keeping my mind open and digging into myself all the time trying to find that one thing for which I can devote my whole life !

    I know I will find it, its only a question of when. Wish you the same luck and optimisim :)

     
  • At 2:05 AM, Blogger Zaphod said…

    meh, my bad, im an idiot...give it another shot sometime...should be working now and if not, throw a stapler at me (without pins please)
    Cheers!

     
  • At 3:39 PM, Blogger hedonistic hobo said…

    Oh dear, you're asking the same questions, the fussilade of queries my brain wakes up reeling from every morning!
    girrrllllllll to live and die for a relationship that just wilts is the most harrowing experience i've lived through yet and i'm glad you like my blog. my misery shall save others from future misery, i hope not. i can't imagine not being in love again, it's too much fun.

     
  • At 2:05 AM, Blogger fivefeetzero said…

    I love receiving comments!
    Me - been hopping around because I studied and worked in London for a year and a half, before finally coming back. Went back recently for the graduation. (Such a weirdly British thing to have the ceremony a year after we finish!)
    Nicole - It's more about how I just can't imagine ANYTHING really making me happy. so now what??
    Nirav - Fingers crossed, but somehow, for me I don't think it's going to be any ONE thing. Feel like I'll spend my whole life 'trying' something new every few years ;)
    Hobo - You know it's weird, but I don't think I'll ever love like that again. Sure, I'll get into another relationship, but I just can't do the intensity again, you know?

     
  • At 3:50 PM, Blogger ~*sim*~ said…

    it might be different, but i hope for you that it will happen, and that it will be intense. i'm with the hobo -- love's too much fun to pass up!

     

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